On Opening

Ah, so that was it. Buried deep down was my ego not being so pleased, perhaps a shitload of anger attached to the fact that my former husband/partner of over thirty years, my entire adult life up to that point, met someone in less than two months and they moved in together 6 months later. I’d told him when I left he’d thank me one day. I didn’t expect that soon. I was grateful. I knew he wouldn’t be able to handle being alone, and I hoped and prayed he’d find someone. He was distraught and contemplated ending his life, I found out later. 

So what’s there to be angry about. It actually took listening to and reading the lyrics to Adele’s ‘Hello’ to trigger the realization, hahaha! Nothing extreme, Just. A. Huge. Release…tears…RELIEF…having done a lot of crying/releasing up to that point, leading up to the full moon…just not knowing where it was coming from. And who knows how many tears before, that I thought were for other reasons. 

I’m the one that left. I broke his heart. I knew I had to leave at some point but it took meeting someone to do it. I know I didn’t have the strength at the time, to do it on my own. The thing was the new guy and I were so not compatible, no matter how much I love him, both of them actually. I knew I wasn’t leaving my husband for him, but I became so attached to the idea we were meant to be together. Deep down I knew though. It still took a year, maybe longer…to truly let go. But you know what I realize now…it was like when my mom passed and I was pregnant…I found out the day she passed. I was so focused on having my babies and raising them that I didn’t go through the grieving process….until one Christmas when everything had built up inside and I lost it. I didn’t even comprehend why though, till a long time after. It was the only time my husband used force with me, restraining me from hurting myself or someone in my path. 

So this time I was so focused on being distraught over the new guy, not processing the fact I’d spent a major part of my life with someone and suddenly it was over…JUST. LIKE. THAT. For all intents and purposes…a DEATH.  

I’d never even really dated, save for a double date to the movies once. When I was 4 months pregnant with my first son, and shortly after my mom passed, I travelled to England for my BF’s wedding. Well it doesn’t take rocket science to see where this is going. I was the matron of honour and there was the best man. We were all staying at the groom’s father’s pub up till the wedding and I’d never had direct attention from anyone other than my husband. Wedding/romance/music/dancing/far away from home/shortly after losing my mother…you get the picture. Discernment enough not to let it go ‘all the way’. It was truly somewhat laughable in my inexperience, even after being intimate with my husband for 4 years of marriage and the 2+ years prior. I put it all in it’s place afterward. I never told my husband…Why? I didn’t want to hurt him. Unable to acknowledge the fear of him rejecting me too, I’m sure. I was also afraid to be a single mom, like my mom was…working like a dog to support us, even though we lived with our grandparents. In the end, I felt at least, the stress had killed her. My perspective was that the incident cemented my marriage. I knew what I wanted and I never strayed again…not that I never thought about it. 

The thing was, I wasn’t the same person when I came back. I could claim jet lag, but I was confused. My aunt noticed. We were staying at my grandmother’s while my husband built our new home. I was despondent, and not interested in being intimate, for sure. After weeks apart, perhaps he suspected, knew even, and took it upon himself to take what he felt was rightfully his…me. We were in my grandmother’s home and I didn’t want to disturb her, so I didn’t stop him, but he knew I was not interested. And I likely felt like I deserved it. I truly did not realize how much this all had affected me till after I left 24 years later and began working with a healer. I’d put it away somewhere, never forgetting, just rarely thinking about it.  I have since told my former husband the truth. 

Since I’ve opened up this much why not keep going. I likely would have been intimate with the man who helped me leave before telling my husband it was over, had he not been so full of integrity, having been cheated on himself…not even kissing me. I’m so grateful for him, and for the Divine protection I’ve received my entire life.  

I, in my ignorance, was protected once again when I felt I was meant to be with someone I felt a very strong connection to, for ‘spiritual’ or ‘Sacred’ Union. I allowed him to convince me, even though he was married and his wife wasn’t on the same page, that it was a part of our duty to God. He was stopped in his tracks, by an unseen force, and I knew. I’d been told I was incredibly, Divinely protected by several readers, and this was definite proof.  I’d asked for the support if it wasn’t meant to happen. Always grateful.  In the moment, although not acknowledged till afterward, I saw what I now would understand to be a dark force/entity inhabiting this man.  There’s been a great deal of healing since then.  I’ve learned a great deal about myself in this time, understanding certain lessons are necessary in life, no matter how long it takes to learn them.  We cannot live in a bubble and protect ourselves and call it living. 

I’m still allowing. Healing is a continuing process. It takes a willingness to go deep, and let the shit that’s been pushed down for so long, even ancestral and universal, to rise and be transmuted…a little at a time. I see it all as fertilizer, the experiences, that help us learn and grow. I do my best to trust and see it all in perspective, with faith…to see the bigger picture, to understand who we truly are…and that is LOVE….pure and simple, unconditional, LOVE. If it wasn’t messy and so frustrating at times would we really be able to appreciate it so much, when we finally see the lesson, the message, the LIGHT in each challenge. Doesn’t it just make it all that much more worthwhile in those moments. It is in the contrast, of the light and dark, in the middle, in the HEART, where we can see and FEEL it. It may not make sense, but it makes it a whole lot easier to have an open heart. “Do not break your heart for fear of it being broken.” 






Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s