Again, I have had many thoughts and ideas come to me and I’ve started writing, but nothing flowed to completion…and so they sit, possibly to be shared another day.
Today this title came, and as the day progressed some feelings arose to be unearthed, ones that have been acknowledged and believed to be healed, but I have recently realized the spiral of life that exists in my understanding means we must go gently, layer by layer, peeling away the facets of wounds. Whether we truly and completely heal remains to be seen, but if we don’t try we’ll never know.
I have been meeting so many incredible people on my journey of late, with so many stories to share. I think of my grandmother who loved to listen to others, although she was never one to share her own story…as if it didn’t matter. I see all these people as healers in their own right. I believe we are ALL healers in our own unique way. It is all about how we approach the work, our desired profession or even hobby, that can be very healing to others…when we are able to shine our light through the passion of our hearts in a way that can give others a glimpse of their own light, through planting seeds…of inspiration…of love. ❤
I began to realize I was a healer several years ago when I was drawn to Reiki, and as I’ve said previously, I was unable to fully embrace and share this gift. I understood on a deep, subconscious level, that I did not feel I could help others without first healing myself. I have also learned that although we can help others heal on a certain level, true, authentic healing can only occur through a more pure channel, who has opened to deep healing of themselves, mind, body and spirit, on a continuous basis…with an understanding of our connection, and need to honour all aspects of ourselves, through the Mother/Divine Feminine/Goddess and the Father/Divine Masculine/God. I have been Divinely guided to the people that could help me in this process and now have a greater ability to be a conduit for my own and others’ healing, through my connection with God/Source/Creator. It has taken many years to bring me to a point where I can truly feel the work I’ve done for ME can finally be shared, authentically, with others. I am just discovering the unique ways I am being guided to do this.
Oh that I could just stop here, but for me to truly heal and possibly help others, which is why I’m here, I need to release some feelings that arose as I went about my day…while contemplating what needed to be shared with the title. My thoughts came to my sister. For those of you who haven’t read my other posts my sister ended her life just over 6 years ago. We had been distant for about 16 years. She was showing signs of mental illness when we parted ways. She was in a space of not feeling the love she desired, in the way she felt it should be given, for her, but especially for her young son. In many ways, I’ll admit, I was relieved not to have to be around someone who I always had to be careful with what I said, because she was so sensitive. I had my own 2 young sons to take care of, as well as my husband. She was a single mother through choice…out of fear. My nephews father came from another culture that she didn’t understand and feared not having control. She had been raised in an environment where she went from relative to relative, first attempting suicide at 16. Having her son at 25 gave her something to live for, however when he was young she told me she didn’t care if she lived past the time her son was old enough not to need her. She didn’t understand our children never really stop needing their parents…or some facsimile. I don’t want to hear spiritual crap about not needing others either. That’s the biggest bullshit, in my opinion. We are all here to work TOGETHER, as a team. I do feel people appear in our lives to help shape us, outside of the traditional labels of relationships. We become attached to the ‘ideal’ of what people ‘should’ be in our lives.
My sister’s son did push her away, as they do when seeking their independance. Perhaps he didn’t do it with the utmost of love, most likely because he didn’t understand it within himself, as my sister. Her life completely revolved around him and she sacrificed a great deal to try to give him the life, the love, she felt she hadn’t had. I knew it would happen one day. And I wasn’t surprised when she ended her life.
Do I wish I could have helped her…What human being wouldn’t??? Do i still cry? Yes, on occasion…today as these feelings came and as I typed…needing release, not kept pushed down…but less and less all the time, as I understand and more truly FEEL our oneness within my heart. I know that I was not in a place to help her back then, IF she was open to receiving…a huge IF….because I had a whole lot of healing to do for myself as well. I do not blame myself. I do not blame the tree or the rope she used, or the police who weren’t in the cemetery patrolling. I do not blame my father, who she hated for not being the father she thought she wanted him to be, and forbade to attend her funeral. And I don’t blame my brother, or her friends, or anyone or anything else, including the doctors. And if they are blaming themselves then they have work to do. It was exactly the life she came here to live. My heart goes out with the deepest of healing Lovelight to the person who saw her from the passing train.
I am so grateful and blessed to have had the time we shared and learn from her what I did. The only thing I can take from this is the experience and how I can help others through it, with all the LOVE in my heart, because she and everyone else, here, and there, and everywhere have a place in it. I believe I’ve already shared that it feels like the Grinch’s heart after it grows however many times…I will say a kizillion for me. I call it heartgasms. This word will be in the dictionary one day. 🙂 ❤
So on this note…my point here as I have reshared an experience that is still needing to be honoured and not shamed, understood for what it was and transmuted into the light; I just want to say how important it is to allow ourselves to face our ghosts….to feel safe in the understanding that these experiences can’t hurt us, so we can heal. They are stories. By allowing ourselves to acknowledge them and give them the love they need, we can not only help ourselves, but, in turn, help so many others. Then we can change the stories…they’ve served their purpose. Let’s recreate our reality. We can you know 😉 The more of us willing to do the work, the greater the potential for healing everywhere, at a much faster pace than it’s taken me so far.
So many blessings of heartlight healing love,