On BEing. ME. 

I have been attempting to write an article on perfection for the last several weeks. It just has not wanted to flow, so I realized I need to let it go, as with so many things in my life these days. There is still something to be shared, but definitely not what had been coming so far…obviously it just wasn’t the right time. I needed more information.

First I will start by saying I am not perfect, and I never will be. As far as I’m concerned there is no such thing, not through the perspective of the ego at least. Perfection cannot be defined as each perspective is different and ever changing. We are all Divinely perfect, just like the rest of nature and the Universe. We just ARE.

I stated to a former love interest that I would never be perfect, and I felt an energy from him of disappointment, as if I was giving up. This may not have been correct in his mind, but it’s what it felt like to me. Then very shortly after (the relationship didn’t last long), in a phone conversation, there was a discussion on how I chose to respond to an opportunity he was sharing.  He deemed my response as wrong, not in integrity. I honestly couldn’t understand his point of view. I understood he was entitled to his opinion, but it didn’t fit with what I was feeling.  I do believe I told him that it must be nice to be perfect in that moment… it may have been another conversation… there weren’t too many. He had decided we weren’t right for each other at that moment.  I don’t believe in shoulds, but it really was a sign to let go. He was so right. Instead we tried a few more times until we both realized it wasn’t meant to be. It was all very karmic and had its beauty… and it took me almost a year to let go of the attachment to the idea that we were meant to be together… Okay… my turtle coming out. I’d been with my husband for over 30 years. When I met this man he was like a saviour and I thought why would God present this beautiful person to me if we weren’t meant to be together. I see now that he was a bridge as well as a vehicle of sorts, in part for much needed lessons… non-attachment and discernment to name a few. We had a few things in common, but we didn’t take the time to really get to know one another, to see if we were compatible, with similar goals and intentions, as well as a similar drive to accomplish them… before leaping into a sexual relationship.  I am blessed now to say that we have reconnected as friends.  Loving this person hasn’t changed… just the expectations of what that means.

I have learned so much about myself in this time on my own, to understand all this and to acknowledge the work I’ve been willing to do, to truly sacrifice at times, to let go of attachments to relationships that do not serve my intention, my purpose, my Soul. Many may read this and say I just give up on people and am not accepting or not loving unconditionally. I can understand that completely. I look at myself and wonder this sometimes. And I know it is what I have had to do. For too many years I have lived my life for others, slowly dying inside; so anytime I understand I am holding myself back, by handing my power over to someone else, by not setting boundaries and/or not having them acknowledged or honoured, or if I am given a choice of their way or my way, I have to cut the cords… with the understanding that compromise is definitely necessary in life… in a harmonious way… not where there is a general imbalance of giving and receiving. It is a challenge for some of us to receive, to understand that we are deserving, as much as anyone else.

I have had to cut cords with many friends and family. Some long ago, others only recently. One friend insisted on giving me unsolicited advice on what I needed to do to work on ‘fixing’ issues/challenges I was having, even after I expressed my feelings in writing. I understood why they wanted to ‘help’.  I also understood by having done the same thing to others in the past, that people don’t respond well to being told what they should do, or feeling that they need to be fixed, especially by a supposed friend. I also told them it must be nice to be perfect, to which I received more advice… although I’d tuned out long before. What I held back from saying was ‘Fuck Off’…I wouldn’t now.

A lifelong friend could not understand who I was, and had expectations of what a friend should be. That friendship, or rather their perception of what it was/should be, had ended a long time ago. In my eyes, my heart, we are connected always, not just friends, but family/brothers and sisters. We are One… just the dynamics of the physical relationships change.  It’s like a death really.  When we die we just change forms… for me in its’ way it’s easier, because then they can actually see without so much ego/fear/attachment getting in the way.  I had to distance myself from my grandmother for the sake of my health before she passed.  I knew she’d understand after she passed.  We have a very strong connection.

It has been especially challenging to cut cords of attachment with my children, particularly my youngest. I haven’t always made the best choices for either of us. What I thought was love and support was feeding my need to please and help others, to live vicariously through their dreams, but also enabling them and not allowing them to see their capabilities. In the end we are given the same lessons, in various ways, over and over again, until we truly master them.

Cutting cords, having to allow physical distance with these people doesn’t mean I don’t love them. I do, more than I could ever put into words. I also love mySelf. I see that if I don’t honour mySelf I am not fulfilling my Creator’s plan for me… why I’m here. I was not brought here to be a servant to other people… to bend over backwards to make their dreams and visions come true, or to allow them to dim my light. It is my responsibility to co-create MY dreams and visions. I am here to be a servant to MY God. For me this is Mother AND Father, who resides in MY heart. It is my heart I must follow… no one elses. You follow yours… PLEASE. By doing this, while working together with others, those with a common goal, each with our own personal visions, in co-operation with each other… this is how we change the world.

I have been so blessed to be given this time on my own for healing and a lot of reflection, to see what it is my heart truly desires. What’s funny is that it hasn’t really changed over my life, what I have valued in life; simplicity, helping others, including all of creation, and loving and being loved. It is only now that I understand that I AM the LOVE. Love is the POWER that IS ME to accomplish anything my heart desires… in unison with Creator/Creation… so it is my RESPONSE-ABILITY to care for this vessel, this temple that is my body, my mind, my Soul…my heart…and so it is with YOU as well. ❤️

So many blessings of heartlight love and peace.  Godspeed ❤

  

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