Haha! Got your attention, didn’t I? What, really, is our favourite subject… honestly; at least for most of us? Why not? It can be a beautiful expression of ourselves, our love for another. It is creation itself.
It’s been some time since I’ve posted and I’ve had so many ideas, not to mention going through a lot of healing and transformation, these past several months. Anything I attempted to write hasn’t flowed, as needed, for it to be authentic. Just not the right time for it, yet.
So I had a dream last night (technically this morning before waking, as this is when we are most likely to recall dreams). It was quite vivid and I was able to lay there contemplating it without having to write it down; waking up slowly. I have been able to see the messages in my dreaming more and more, lately.
I was young in the dream, hanging out outside with a few friends. It was summer, I believe, yet it was dark out. My house was huge, old, haunted looking, and in need of love. We were being typical kids, telling stories. One story, a rumour, involved a ‘monster’ living in the basement, only accessible from outside the old house. Of course we went to investigate. We poked a large fork through the gap of the door and sure enough, there was something ugly, with gnarly hands, grabbing for the fork. There was just enough light to see. Of course we ran, warning everyone else outside to get inside to safety. Then I woke up.
Hmm… thinking, feeling… understanding the processes I have been going through to heal. What does this mean to me personally? I feel it is what is hiding in the darkness, what I perceive as bad about myself, through my upbringing; through preconceived beliefs of right and wrong, good and bad; dogma, handed down through generations and our patriarchal, controlling society.
It is time to bring what I perceive is dark out into the light, to be transmuted; honoured and cherished as a part of who I am. I thought about what it is that I need to most shed light on. Life is all about achieving balance, in my personal understanding, acknowledging both our dark side; The Mother…Creator of all that is visible; and the light; The Father… the Creator of all that is invisible. We are the connection to the two, to allow them to come together. There is not a good connection if parts of it are distorted/diseased, whether it be through the mind or the body.
What I realized is truly the darkest in me is the beliefs toward sexuality that so many of us have been brainwashed into believing. It’s not the fault of our parents, or their parents, as this is what they were taught, and believed.
Unlearning past behaviour takes time. It takes a lot of love, to allow the light to shine and learn new behaviours, learning to think for oneself and do what’s right, for each of us as individuals. Only I can decide what fits for me; what integrity means to me. No one else’s model will work… there is no perfect model because each of us is unique; created by God to shine as each of us is; an original piece of art. God loves each of us, unconditionally. God is not fear, condemnation, or judgment. God is Love, pure and simple…the true God, that is, that exists in our hearts.
In my beliefs sex is a Sacred act, not just between man and woman, man and man, or woman and woman, but between these partners and God; in relationships built on a solid foundation of friendship, love, trust, honest communication, cooperation, commitment and respect. To me it is the highest offering to be able to connect both Mother and Father in such a joyous, loving, ecstatic way. It is through consciousness not just in this way, but in everything we do in life, that we allow the light in us to shine, and begin to create the love and peace inside of us, so that it can be spread outwards.
For a short time, after leaving my marriage, almost a year ago now, I believed that it was good to be free and share myself with someone who was also spiritual, with whom I felt a connection I hadn’t felt before. I wanted a Sacred Union, not realizing it takes much more than a physical, or even heartfelt connection. I had read a lot of things and had taken them at face value, without really digging to see how it aligned with my truths; my integrity. At that point I was just grateful to be free and I wasn’t really thinking a lot… like a caged animal that is finally set free, with space to move, and light to see… running around, wild with excitement and abandonment.
I do not regret this time as there was so much beauty in it, and many lessons. But I realize it takes time to build any relationship, whether with yourself, the Divine, a partner, or partners. Everything must grow from a seed. There are certain steps a plant must take for it to be strong and fruitful. Steps cannot be skipped or its integrity will be weakened and its bounty minimal.
Life is a process, never ending. Anything worthwhile is worth waiting for, worth giving it our best; like the turtle…slow and steady wins the race. I have been focused on myself, in healing, so that I can be strong, first within myself…nurturing mind, body, heart and soul, so that I have something to share. We cannot share what we don’t have. We cannot feed off of, or depend on others to fulfill us. We must do that for ourselves. Only then can we, together with others, be it man or the Divine, bring our bounty, our offering, to the table, in celebration. Amen ❤ ~ Kim
Update November 4/16… I now understand my Creator and Creation as One, not divisible or separated by any gender. I refer to thee as GOD-DESS or Nature, all that is seen and unseen. All is Sacred and Divine, and perfect in its BEing.